Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
