you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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