Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
