u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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