i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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