I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
