I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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