break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
