I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
