I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
