We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
