my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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