u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
