she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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