He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
