FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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