Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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