a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
