Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
