he wants to bone in the snuggie
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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