either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am midnight drunk by noon
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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