I wish my penis had an off switch
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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