shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
