Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
