My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
