The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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