i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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