It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
