Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
