Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
