Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
