No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
