Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i out mim tonsoeep
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