Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
