Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
