first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
