all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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