he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
