u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
