And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
