how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
