tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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