i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
