i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
