I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
