I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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