The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
