in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
