I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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