she looked like the before picture.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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